Yesterday TJ and I took Brutus to a beautiful park. There was a wooden walkway that wrapped around a huge lily pond filled with colorful birds, dozens of ducks and a few turtles wading in the water.
I was so excited that we finally found an area to take the dog to, and I couldn’t wait to break out my new camera to explore the outdoor art festival that’s being held at the park this weekend.
“Brutty is so happy! We’re going to have to start doing this every day after pre-season is over,” I thought out loud to my boys.
For some reason our silly bulldog has had just as difficult of a time adjusting here as I have. I’ve never seen him act so defiant before. He refuses to walk around our apartment complex (to the point where he will lay down stiff and refuse to move if we are more than 10 feet from our stairs) – so it was very comforting to finally find a place where Brutus could enjoy himself and where I could spend some time savoring random conversation with TJ.
When we got back from our walk yesterday I Googled the nearest Target. I suddenly had the urge to go buy nails so that I could finally hang our photos on the walls and begin to make this place feel more like our home.
And that, my friends, is where the pretty story ends.
I’ve been staring at a blank blog page for the past hour trying to organize the ongoing string of thoughts and emotions that have been pumping through my head and heart since 9 o’clock this morning when TJ came back home from the rink much earlier than he should have.
“What’s going on?” I asked him…but he didn’t have to tell me, I just knew.
For the past two years I’ve utilized my blog as a space to express my thoughts and feelings, but with this situation … I just keep coming up very short with trying to explain something that I can’t bring myself to fully understand.If TJ was told today “You just don’t fit well with our organization,” or “You just aren’t what we were expecting” or hell, at this point I’d even take “Sorry, but you suck,” then maybe it’d be easier to accept and put into words … but being told that he is being released because another married guy is being sent down from the affiliates and he needs our single apartment is just something that I can’t wrap my head around.
I’ve ignored the lockout Twitter rants and hashtags. I’ve ignored the Facebook posts of friends who are royally PO’ed over the NHL’s two week cancellation. I’ve ignored delving into the articles about the “trickle down effect,” and what that could mean for my husband as a veteran.But just because we tried to ignore the lockout doesn’t mean that we could escape it.
And whether I’ve wanted to admit it or not, I’ve had those “what if” thoughts looming in the back of my mind since before we even left to come down here.
Perhaps those subconscious thoughts are the very things that have kept me from allowing myself to feel comfortable here.
Intuition is simply amazing in the grand scheme of things, isn’t it?
The remainder of our weekend will be spent packing, placing and returning phone calls, and updating my passport. We’ve been given until Monday to get our things together and move out of our apartment so that the next couple can move in.
I am trying to remain optimistic.
I’m trying to remind myself that everything happens for a reason.
I’ve been telling myself that perhaps TJ would have broken his arm or something drastic and career ending would have happened if he played here this season.
I understand that TJ is not the first to be affected by the lockout, and I know that he certainly won’t be the last.
So for now, I’m crossing my fingers and keeping the faith that every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end.